One of the smallest words - yet often the HARDEST to say... "No"

Women. Such givers by nature. I could be speaking only of myself, but something tells me - I am not alone. For the majority of my life, I was the person who very rarely said "no". The few times I did say "no" could only be attributed to the fact that I'd already over-extended myself. I constantly put myself, my needs and/or wants on the back burner in an effort to be everything to everybody. Don't get me wrong - there is absolutely nothing wrong with being there for others. On the contrary, we should be there for others - but not at the cost of neglecting ourselves. My problem was that even from childhood I was always looking out for everyone else. Perhaps it was part of being the oldest child in a single-family home. I always wanted to help my mother and was always looking out for my little brothers. So for some of us, we've been wearing that hat for so long that before we know it, it has become second-nature... and sometimes to those who know us best it becomes expected of us. But do not fret, saying "no" is like anything else... practice makes perfect! :) Be encouraged and repeat after me, "no" .... Look at YOU - that wasn't so bad, was it? No it wasn't. :) Now doesn't that feel good? Let's do it again - "No" "No" "No". Okay, well now we have established that you can say "no", let's talk a little about why you don't say it more often...

There are many reasons that women find themselves saying "yes", when everything in their mind and body, sometimes even soul, is telling them to say "no".
We can't please everyone all of the time - and honestly, we shouldn't even try. Depending on the relationship held with the person requesting something from you, you may say "yes" out of fear or the urge to please. Fear that they may be unhappy with you for saying "no", fear of confrontation, fear of what that person might think of you are all reasons that women will say "yes" when they really should be saying "no". A wise woman once told me, "If a person likes you any less because you tell them "no" then they aren't the person YOU thought they were, and it's their loss." (Thanks Nana). Truer words have never been spoken! Sometimes people think because they are related to you or hold some type of title that when they say, "jump" you should respond "how high"? That just isn't the case. Really it is just the opposite. If someone loves you and/or respects you, they should  be able to accept and respect your "no" and not love you any less for it.

Some women find themselves over extending themselves because they are looking for acceptance, acknowledgment, and/or attention. You enjoy being Ms. Dependable. You like the feeling of coming to the rescue... the feeling of being the responsible one. You like the accolades you receive. Listen, when we give and/or do for others it should be done out of love and not to receive any glory from it. The bible says, 

"So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Mt 6:2-4

God wants us to give, when we are able, because He has blessed us to be able to do so. So instead of looking for acknowledgment and acceptance from the individual you are giving to, know in your heart that you are doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing, and that your Father is pleased.

Perhaps you feel like, the more you do for someone, the more they will like you and/or appreciate you, or maybe even, the more they will do for YOU - when in reality, that just is not the case. Many times, the exact opposite happens and those same people end up taking you for granted and/or not valuing you as much as they should. Which brings us back to respect. Women, we have to respect ourselves BEFORE we ask or expect any one else to do so. Saying "no" is a part of respecting and valuing yourself. Which brings me to my next point...

There are times that we will say "yes" even when we'd like to say "no", but these should be exceptions to the rule, not the norm. One instance when you should never say "yes" when you know you should be saying "no" is when saying "yes" will put you in a situation where you will be compromising your faith, beliefs, values, ethics, etc. It just isn't worth it. And anyone who says they love you, care about you, and/or respect you, would never ask you to do such a thing. You will never regret saying no and standing up for something you believe in - but many many many times, you will regret that "yes". Stand firm in your beliefs. Do not allow anyone to talk you out of something you believe in, especially for their own selfish gain. When we do for others we should walk away feeling good about it. If that isn't the case, check your motives and check theirs.

Another not-so-good reason for saying "yes", is to say so and to do for others with the expectation of getting something in return. When you do for others it should be because you want to be a blessing to that person, not because you are looking to gain something from them. If you find yourself over-extending yourself in this fashion, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. Do not keep a tally of the times you are there for someone and then be unhappy if they don't reiterate all that you have done for them.

Luke 6:33-35 "And if you are kind and good and do favors to and benefit those who are kind and good and do favors to and benefit you, what quality of credit and thanks is that to you? For even the preeminently sinful do the same.

    ³⁴And if you lend money at interest to those from whom you hope to receive, what quality of credit and thanks is that to you? Even notorious sinners lend money at interest to sinners, so as to recover as much again.

    ³⁵But love your enemies and be kind and do good [doing favors so that someone derives benefit from them] and lend, expecting and hoping for nothing in return but considering nothing as lost and despairing of no one; and then your recompense (your reward) will be great (rich, strong, intense, and abundant), and you will be sons (and daughters!) of the Most High, for He is kind and charitable and good to the ungrateful and the selfish and wicked.

Anyone who knows me would surely tell you that I am STILL such a giver! It's who I am - but, what I've learned is that there are healthy limits to my giving and that it is okay to say "no". Actually it is more than okay - it's necessary.

Let's Talk!

This list is no way all-inclusive. I''m sure all of you can think of a bunch more reasons - and if you do, I hope that you will share! I am looking forward to hearing your opinion and experiences! 
* What is your approach to saying "no"? 
* In your experience, how do people respond when you do say "no"? 
* Do you feel people respect you more or less... or neither?  
* What are the lessons you've learned from over-extending and/or saying "yes" when you should have said "no"? 
* Do you struggle with saying "no"? If so, why do YOU find it difficult to say "no"?